Battlefield
by XX00Meg00XX
Summary: "But he sees the immediate reaction to the idea of losing him in spite of her plan to keep him safe, watches as it nearly breaks her apart in every way." An 8X01 post-ep. (sort of a fixer, because happy endings are ALWAYS possible, as our show has proven.)


**A/N: I'm sure a handful of you will make me regret posting this. The good news is, it's my last fic, so your inability to view the show with an open mind doesn't deter me from loving it more now than I did in the beginning. :) Also, just because I'm writing a fix it for this ep because the feels were inescapable, doesn't mean that I have a problem with this season. I love season 8, I've loved every episode.**

 **Disclaimer: I own nothing, but damn it, I love this show.**

* * *

 _Set immediately after the ending of 8X01. Rated-M (surprise, surprise)_

* * *

 **Battlefield**

 _"And in the morning we'll wake up and we'll be alright."_

 _-Battlefield by Jordin Sparks_

* * *

"I love you."

"I always will."

"Please, forgive me."

* * *

Those words echo in Castle's mind for the entire minute that he remains frozen in the same spot in the middle of the loft. He hears the hiccupped breath that Kate takes from the hallway, knows that she's paused before he even makes it to the still opened door.

And he's only about two steps away from her when she turns back towards the door, nearly knocking him over as a sob wracks her body, her entire frame trembling from head to toe. He can feel her body tense before the trembling resumes as his arms come around her, as if she didn't expect him to follow behind her, to chase after her.

"Kate," he tries, holding her tighter as her sobbing intensifies, her hands balled into fists against his chest, the bag she'd been carrying forgotten at her feet.

She doesn't say anything, doesn't give him the answer that he needs, so he tries again.

"Kate, please…"

It's all he can manage, the emotion clogging his throat as he silently begs her to stay, to not walk away from everything they've fought for. And when she doesn't answer or try to pull away, he takes it as a sign that his next move is going to be okay.

He gently lifts her into his arms, careful of the sewn-up gunshot wound on her abdomen, and uses his foot to nudge her bag along with them until they're back in the loft. He kicks the door shut with his foot, bypassing the couch in favor of their bedroom, as if the walls will act as a fortress to keep her inside with him.

* * *

It's only when he sinks onto the bed with her in his lap that he notices she has one of her hands fisted into his shirt, and it's a good sign, he thinks. She's still holding on.

He wraps his arms tighter around her, holding her against him until she's calmed down enough that he knows she'll listen if he speaks.

"You're going after Loksat…" he both clarifies and asks, because he already figured it out, knows that it would be the only reason that she'd walk away from him after everything they've been through.

She shudders in his arms, only managing a weak nod against his chest, clearly resigned to the heavy weight of what she was willing to put their marriage through just for the chance to keep him safe.

"You don't have to do this, you know? You don't have to run away and fight on your own. I'm your partner and I think I deserve more credit then you're giving me," He says softly, pressing his lips against her temple for a moment before he continues.

"In fact, you don't have to fight this battle at all, there are other…"

He pauses his statement when she lifts her head, her eyes red-rimmed and still filled with un-spilled tears, but he can see that determination to fight there, and his heart seems to ache against the wall of his chest, because he knows that look all too well.

"I have to do this, Rick. I can't just put it behind me. I can't let go. I thought I could, but I can't," she admits, swiping angrily at a tear as she shakes her head, clearly attempting to fight off another wave of them.

'No you don't," he says, a little more firmly than he means for it to come out, but he can't believe that after all this time she's seriously considering running off after some bad guy without him.

"Rick, I need you to…"

He holds up his hand to cut her off, shaking his head because he knows what she was going to say and he doesn't want to understand.

"Nearly three and a half years ago, you showed up at my door soaking wet after letting me walk away from you for what I thought was the last time. Do you even remember what you said to me that night?" He asks, holding onto that hope that she gave him back then.

Memory flickers in her watery, hazel eyes, and he watches as she wrestles with her decision.

"Let me remind you, 'He got away, and I didn't care. All I could think about was you. I just want you.' You chose me then, why can't you chose me now, Kate? What's changed?"

He keeps his eyes on hers, watching as the war waging within her comes to a screeching halt.

"Please don't sit here and act like that night meant nothing, because look at us now. This isn't that night, Kate. We're married now, married…I trusted your vows when you said them to me, please don't break my heart."

The words spill out of his mouth before his mind can catch up with them, but the look on her face tells him that he hit home. She presses the back of her hand to her mouth, attempting to hold back the fresh wave of tears that threaten to spill down her cheeks.

He slowly shifts them until he can lay her down on the bed, moving to hover over her as she stares up at him, and he reaches for her hand, gently pulling it away from her mouth and squeezing her fingers.

"Tell me what you want, Kate. What does your heart really want right now?"

"You," she chokes out, and it's barely above a whisper, but there's truth and love there.

"Then why are you walking away from me?" he asks, letting anger lace his tone for the first time since she walked out the door, away from him. "Why are you still insisting on fighting your battles alone when you know good and damn well that I would do anything for you, anything to help you? I would give my life for yours, Kate, you know that."

"No! No, Rick. That's what I'm trying to prevent. I will not let you die for my cause. Smith was right when he said I was radioactive. I love you, damn it. And I will not get you killed because of my need to chase after this."

It's the first time she's made sense since she told him she was leaving. Walking away to save their marriage? He couldn't understand it, but this? He understands the reasoning that drives her to make these rash decisions when it comes to murder, probably a little more than he should.

"I'm still here aren't I? After all the near death experiences we've faced, I'm still right here, Kate. Don't brush me off as if I'm some child who can't defend himself. I think I've more than proven that I can hold my own," he states, gently cupping her jaw. "And if you think for one second that I'm going to be okay with sitting back while you risk your life, after waiting nearly four years for you to even admit that we were more than partners, you're mistaken."

He watches his words sink in, the look on her face enough to tell him that he's hitting home. So he decides to take it a step further. He lifts up enough to pull his shirt over his head, shaking his head when her brow furrows because they aren't quite there. Yet.

He reaches for her hand, placing it over his heart and holding it there as he gives her a moment to feel.

"Still here," he repeats, locking his eyes on hers, watching the emotion swim on her face. "Don't run away from me, Kate. I'm asking you to look at the bigger picture, to think if what you're running towards is really more important than your life with me. Because I'm always going to love you, but I can't keep doing this. I can't keep watching you walk away."

He lets her hand drop then, rolling completely off of her and turning away, because if she's still going to walk away after this, he can't bear to watch her go.

* * *

The soft brush of her hand over the bare skin of his back nearly rips the sob that's been stuck in his throat free. He bites his lip against it, forcing it back down as he takes a deep breath, feeling her shift behind him until she's able to slide one arm around him. And he can tell without looking at her the she's cradling her bad side.

He holds his breath waiting for her next move, because this could be her goodbye as much as it could be her holding on.

"Rick…" she murmurs a few seconds later, her voice soft and full of emotion and he can hear the tears that he can't see.

He hates it when she cries, hates the weight of grief that falls away with each tear that slides down her cheek, because she rarely does it, choosing to carry all of her pain inside her until it spills over so violently that it nearly breaks him to watch.

"Castle…look at me, please…" she tries again, tightening her grip on him and he doesn't want her to hurt herself, so he gently angles his body towards her, softly gripping her hand as he flicks his eyes up to hers.

She takes a deep breath but the emotion makes it a bit shaky, flicking her eyes to the ceiling as more tears try to force their way out and she seems to realize that they're going to come whether she wants them to or not because she forces herself to look at him again.

"I can't lose you…" she chokes out, biting her lip against the traitorous sob and shaking her head, flicking her eyes to their hands when he gently squeezes.

"You're not going to…" he tries, but she cuts him off, shaking her head again.

"You don't understand how dangerous this is. If I stay here, if I involve you in any way, they will kill you…" she manages to get out, swiping angrily at the tears with her free hand.

"And you think they won't kill me anyway, even with you not living here? We're married regardless, Kate. You leaving me would only give them the perfect opportunity to use me as a way to bait you," he argues, and it needed to be said, but he sees the immediate reaction to the idea of losing him in spite of her plan to keep him safe, watches as it nearly breaks her apart in every way.

"Kate," he says softly, releasing her hand in favor of turning himself around completely, gently pulling her back into his lap. "Don't chase this. Please. Let someone else handle it, let the threat leave you alone for once. I'm begging you. I watched you die in the back of an ambulance once, please don't make me do it again."

He lets his own tears fall this time, flashbacks of her pale and lifeless, on a tiny, white stretcher too much to handle, and he tries to be careful when his arms wrap around her, but he knows he's holding her too tightly against him from the gasping breath she takes. He's doesn't even get time to consider letting her go though, because she wraps her arms around him just as tightly and it takes him almost a full minute to realize that she's murmuring the words 'I love you' over and over again through her sobs.

"Stay…" is all he can manage after the tears have mostly subsided, his arms still banded tightly around her slender frame.

She pulls back enough to look at him, her breath hitching slightly as the wound on her side pulls. She shakes her head before he can say anything, even as his eyes flick to the place where he knows she's hurting.

"I don't know what the right choice is here, Castle. I don't. But I can't leave you. Every step down that hallway was worse than getting shot, worse than any pain I've ever felt. I know you came after me, but I don't think I ever would've made it to the elevator,' she says, honesty written all over her face and he knows she's telling the truth, because he saw the look on her face in that hallway.

"This is your place, Kate," he states, tightening his hold on her only slightly.

"You're right. It is," She replies, squeezing his hand in reassurance before easing off of the bed, shrugging her jacket off of her shoulders and letting it drop to the floor, kicking her boots off after that before climbing back onto the bed.

"This is my place," she repeats, rolling onto her back on her side of the bed, reaching out with her good arm and pulling him on top of her.

A smile spreads across his face for the first time since he spotted the bag she'd packed, his body hovering over hers as he brushes his lips over her cheek.

"I love you, Kate. I love you," he murmurs, pausing for a brief second before sealing his lips over hers, sliding his arms beneath her to pull her right up against him.

She whimpers against his lips the second he pulls her closer and he pulls away quickly, thinking that he hurt her as he slides one hand down her side and up under the hem of her shirt, carefully placing his palm over the freshly stitched gunshot wound.

"'M okay," she mumbles, attempting to pull him back to her as she slides her arms around his neck, huffing when he resists.

"Castle, you didn't hurt me. I promise," she tries again, sliding one of her hands around to cup his cheek.

"I can't believe you got shot again…" he practically whispers, his brow furrowing.

"Hey," she says softly, forcing him to look at her. "I'm fine, babe, I promise."

When she realizes that her words aren't enough for him, she gently nudges his hand away from the wound, pushing him back as she slowly lifts herself up.

"Help me take it off," she requests, pulling the arm on her good side free of the shirt, pausing to press a tender kiss to his lips when he remains stiff and unmoving. That seems to do the trick and he helps her ease the shirt over her head before sliding it down her other arm and tossing it away, quirking a brow at the bra she's wearing.

It's one of her good ones. Black, lacy, and super sexy, one she usually saves for special occasions where she knows he'll be ripping clothes off of her as quickly as he can until he sees it and pauses to appreciate the way it looks on her.

"What? It was my first day as captain. I kind of expected you to help me celebrate that when I got home…before everything went to hell…" she says, frowning in disappointment.

"You mean before you never came home…" he blurts out before he can think better of it, an apology on the tip of his tongue when she shakes her head.

"I'm sorry. I'm so sorry that I put you through that. Those two months without you were the absolute worst and I would never wish that kind of pain on you," she says, pulling him closer so that she can brush her lips over his.

"The only way you could ever put me through any kind of pain that mirrors that, is by leaving, willingly," he murmurs, sliding his hand back down her side, brushing his fingers over the gauze covered wound.

"I'm sorry," she repeats, feeling as if she could never say it enough.

He shakes his head, pressing his lips to her neck, lingering at her pulse point just to hear the sound she always makes. She doesn't disappoint him.

"No more apologizing…I know your heart, Kate. I know that you don't just turn your love off," he mumbles against her skin, continuing his path down her neck, over her collarbone and to her heart, lingering on the nearly faded scar between her breasts.

"I could never stop loving you…" she chokes out, more breathless than either of them expected and he can't help but grin against her skin, knowing that he still does that to her.

She whimpers again when he swirls his tongue over a lace covered nipple, but he doesn't pull away this time, reaching for her hands instead and tangling their fingers together, kissing a path across her chest and paying the neglected nipple the same attention.

When she whimpers a third time, he gives in, releasing her hands in favor of sliding his own under her body, unhooking her bra and slowly sliding the straps down her arms before pulling it away from her body completely, gently tossing it aside before lowering his mouth back to her skin, swirling his tongue around a hardened nipple before sucking it into his mouth, flicking his eyes up to hers.

She mewls as her back arches, hissing at the pull of her wound at the same time that she threads her fingers through his hair, attempting to keep him there, because the pleasure is so much better than the pain.

He gives her a few more seconds before he kisses his way back up to her mouth, brushing his lips over hers before pulling back to look at her.

Her irises have darkened to a deep shade of hazel, wide and still slightly watery as she looks at him, her pupils blown with arousal, and she's still the most beautiful thing he's ever seen.

He kisses her again, because two days without her and the evening they've had, were enough to make him crave her in every way. She hums, sliding her tongue against his and attempting to pull him closer, huffing against his mouth when he holds himself slightly away from her.

"Kate, I don't want to hurt you," he mumbles against her lips, attempting to shift into a more plausible position for them until she pulls him back, shaking her head.

"I want you, like this, please. We can be careful…" she pleads with him, swallowing hard as she slides her hands down to her pants, popping the button open.

He hesitates, torn between how much he wants her and how much he doesn't want to cause her any more pain, even if she is pleading with him.

She huffs again, reaching for his hand and guiding it to her pants, making it clear that she's not going to take no for an answer as she arches a perfectly shaped brow at him.

"I really don't think this is the best thing for your wound," he grumbles, even as he slides the zipper down and tugs the pants down her long legs and off, tossing them to the floor and taking a moment to appreciate the perfectness of her body.

"I don't care. I don't. Nothing else matters right now but this. You asked me to stay, I'm staying. Please, make love to me…" she begs, knowing that it's not exactly fair of her, but sighing in relief when she sees his resolve falter.

He stands up long enough to get rid of his pants, ditching the boxers too when she quirks her brow at him again and then he climbs over her, hooking his fingers in her panties and winking at her just as he rips them away from her body completely.

He can only smirk when she gasps and shoots him a half-hearted glare, reaching for him and pulling him closer. And he goes willingly, running his hand along her good side, down to her thigh, until he can coax her into bending the leg, pushing it towards her chest and opening her up for him as much as he can without putting too much strain on her wound.

He aligns his hips with hers then, sliding his lips over hers as he slowly pushes into her, swallowing her moan as he slides his tongue over hers. And they may have done this more times than he can count now, and they may be married, but this time is different. It's a promise of who they are together, of what they are to each other, and a resolve for all of the words that still need to be said.

The pain and heartache of the last few hours fall away with each slide of his body against hers, his lips trailing along every inch of her skin that he can reach, painting her with his love until she cries out her release into the silence of the room, taking him with her as she pulls him closer.

* * *

He holds her close for what seems likes hours afterward, his touch tender yet lingering, as if he still expects her to go. She senses it, can feel the way that he holds his breath every time she shifts her body, like he's waiting for the ball to drop, and she hates it, hates that she keeps hurting him.

"Rick?" she murmurs, trailing her fingers along his back, up his neck and through his hair, gently nudging him when he doesn't answer right away.

He slowly lifts his head, his movements as cautious at the look on his face, and she slides her hand around to his jaw, hoping to reassure him.

"I'm staying," she assures him, gently nudging him onto his back and curling up against him, waiting until he wraps his arms around her before she says anything else.

"I love you, so much and you will always be the most important thing in my life. It's you and me. I promise…" she whispers, just loud enough for him to hear.

"Together?" he asks, and she nods her head in answer, but she's already made the decision to walk away, because a life with him is far better than a battlefield where she could lose him.

"Always," she replies just for the sake of giving him the answer he needs, because the symbolic meaning of that word hasn't changed, for either of them.

He's quiet for a long time after that, and even as her eyes slip closed, she knows he's still watching her, knows he'll probably watch her all night long. And she's okay with that. But he doesn't let her drift off without pulling her a bit closer, pressing his lips to her head and whispering 'I love you' until she's blissfully asleep in the warmth of his embrace, exactly where she belongs.

* * *

 _Thank you, for reading the words that this show inspired. 50 different times, I jumped into the heads of these characters and shared what came to life with all of you. I appreciate the support that so many of you have given. Best of luck to each of you in the future, may all your dreams come true._

 _-Meg_


End file.
